When Life Throws Me a Lemon...
You are viewing the most recent 25 entries.
20th February 2008
7th January 2008
Diamonds on my Neck, Diamonds on my Grill.
So. This was a really good weekend. maybe its the last of the oxycodone talking, which i took to subside my intense flu-back pains..., but really i am happy and in a good mood. :
Things on my mind:
1)money- this is just keeping my $$ balanced. when i go over at this point i have to go to my dad for help. thats an unhappy option seeing as he thinks he is already helping me alot. which he is. but its more notable that he thinks he is helping me i have like... less than 600$ and i have a gallery payment and a visa payment this month which leaves me like... 100...? ish? idk i still think i have a paycheck coming too... but that leads me to...
2)get a job. my conundrum with getting a job is getting the right job or the job for now. if i get the right job i might have to wait longer than i can afford to. if i get the job right now i might not be happy or making alot of $$ and most of all i dont want to get stuck at the job for now.
3)i am sort of falling for boy. and i dont know if that is wise seeing as he might not be falling for me. so do i tell him? wait it out? leave it up to him? i told him not to play me and he said he wasnt but after contemplation... i dont know what that means and idk if he does either lol. its alot like keith and his casual relationship. casual, sure! relationship, great! o... wait... u mean u want to use me. fuck you. i just think this guy is sweet and easy to trust, and... he makes me happy and feels good. i feel wrong asking for more with him bc he has things i havent had before. u know... like he is nice and self critical instead of selfish and entitled. i mean, who would have guess new york ended up with taylor made?
4)living situation/car- when i DO get a job i will be faced with another decision. if i have $$ coming in i COULD move out. but that would mean i would be very slow to pay off my mounds of debt. and would be more likely to fall behind again and now i have the gallery and payments for other things i NEED to make. but my dad is driving me insane and i want to be happy and free! then he wants me to own my car which is falling apart. i hate that. i sort of want to buy a new car................ which seems totally stupid. but maybe it would be nice to take pride in something... idk i loved my cougar and i would be ok with something like that again.idk.
anyway. i hate to sandwich boy between job and car but i didnt want to put him at 1 in case it doesnt turn out.
and i am getting the flu but, i think, i am effectively fighting it off with vitamin C and zinc :)
o one last thing. i think our gallery is going to be called
thoughts? i like it. amy came up with it. its sparkle without the "aar"
1st January 2008
And So, It Begins
"Born in a sign that carries vessels, Born in a month that brings just ice." :
January is bad because it is cold and dark and full of forced change. Especially this January.
I bought some Perfume at the body shop. The guy who checked me out asked if it was my birthday month. It is. I will be 23 and all the charm of my youth will slowly start to fade. I guess the silver lining is becoming a select member of the body shop rewards club.
I think Leroy is on crack. He keeps coming up to me then running away.
I want to be beautiful.
LOL this is what happens when I put on my Regina Spektor/ Rufus Wainwright playlist.
I spent money I don't have today.
Maybe Susan Miller updated.
I think I make myself fall in love every new years.
I just want something to dream about besides biblical snowstorms and being on Survivor...
I don't feel like an artist. Well... I do, but I feel like everyone does. I was at the Gap and the scents there were "Individuals" and the subtitles were "Artist" and "Natural"
I hate the man. I hate marketing. I hate myself for going to the mall (and spending like ... 50 dollars)
ok. I am going to try to be positive. maybe my next tattoo will be
27th December 2007
The Cold, The Snow, The Surreal Month of January
I am ready for 2008, but I am not ready for January 2008. I am like forced onto the onramp of 2008 and I am good at the highway driving in life... but the on ramps, the off ramps, the city streets (esp the stop lights) and not to mention other cars is the hard part. and i am on an on ramp. well....
26th December 2007
Things Are Looking Up
So my sockets were empptied of gauze today and they feel SO good. like... i am ready to do all those things i fantasized about doing when my mouth hurt SO much... like eat pretzles and kiss boys and idk... sleep in comfort.... i can stop taking like 2 baths a day.... :
anyway its a good thing.
I started keeping my money NOT in the bank because IRONICALLY it is safer...
i have all but one grade in for school... i have 16 hours of work left
i think/hope/pray my dad goes out of town soon so i can be alone some place besides my car or my work.
idk but my current perspective is deffinately good :)
i have $$ for the gallery, which i feel good about.
i am going too spend $$ on markers and paper and make lots of marker drawings ready for sale (and gift)
i am going to find a job and have insurance soon and idk. my horoscope didnt say this month would be as hard as it was, but it was rewarding
i get lunch with AMY on friday, gonna try to set up RISK for tomorrow.
AND although I bought and smoked one pack since i quit being a smoker (or quit smoking but i dont think u can do both....) i still consider myself QUIT
LOST RETURNS JAN 31!!!
20th December 2007
Dear God, It's Me, Katie
my swelling is back. my meds make me puke, i still have an 8 pg paper to write like... tonight.
there are like 10 people i want to hang out with but i dont really feel up to any of it. ugh.
at least i have quit smoking. thats good. 1 week tomorrow. and if i keep pukeing then i bet i will loose weight.
ugh there are some things i am not even allowed to talk about.
anyway i hope all the pain subsides soon
17th December 2007
College Graduated and Wisdom Toothless, I anticipated the survivor winner.
So I have gotten this far, which is nice. but my new goal is to get on survivor. I have to loose weight first tho... I want to look really good when I am on TV. and i will have the great story of how against all odds here i am, on survivor.
13th December 2007
Thoughts on Wisdom and Wisdom Teeth
so. i went to buy my last pack of cigs and my debit card was declined... i knew i was close to 0 but... idk, i just figured they wouldnt let me spend $ i didnt have.
11th December 2007
There is a God
It is a spiritual day for me. :
It is my last day of Art History (ever) and I have my last Art History paper due (ever) I procrastinated (for the last time) and planned on starting/finishing it today for 12:30.
But, God heard my silent prayers and ...
I mean, God its a little extream, but really this benefits everyone. So, even with the countering sentimentality of missing my last day of Art History... I almost feel like it is the appropriate ending to the turbulent epic of "Katies Second Major"
Way to go God.
This snow day brought to you by the letter A, the number 2, Viewers like you, and GOD
I guess I will just work on my paper and see what he emails us to do.........................
7th December 2007
my movie comes out today. im seeing it on the ultrascreen at 1:00... I called and asked if they sold out and she was like "um.... no... let me see.. no there have only been 3 tickets sold...." so lol not so popular.............. :
in other news i have a springtail infestation in my houseplants.
springtails are not insects... they have internal mouthparts so they are separate. it says they are relativly harmless and i just need to dry out the soil. but they are icky... super small and white and like... mini maggots.... but they jump! eww!!!
AND next to like... nematoads and mites they are one of the most populous animals in the world... with up to 100,000 per square inch.
lol ok i gg take my shower and play some games before my movie!
4th December 2007
stop look and listen
Life changes suck. :
I hate change. MY 3rd grade teacher was the first to notice how aggitated I got durring changes (and my birthday anxiety) she told my mom who told me.
its just such a big change. not being in school. like an never ending summer.... filled with lots of work.
idk if i have the money to go to DC after all...
so i will be looking for a job after xmas.
so many different things come with change. idk. like its not that everything around me changes... i still live in this world... but I change... and idk
i am sick... i am going to buy a humidifier....
i slept like 13 hours last night and my room was so dry i bundled up to conserve moisture. it was uncomfortable and probably just made me sicker.
i dont feel like dealing with any drama now... i feel like hung over... and i am like "I AM NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!" so yea. idk if i am making sense bc im not really making sense to myself.
30th November 2007
I am a hungry, tired.... BUISNESS OWNER!!!!
so. today i woke up at 7:45 (unheard of, unspeakable!) and went to meet with our (me,sarah jane, tara, meg and andrea)'s lawyers for coffee..
28th November 2007
Wisdom Teeth Removal
15th November 2007
Stange things are happening to me
so there is a new boy (at least there is that)
he is sweet. so far.
we had large group crit finally. Dennis said he wanted to press himself against my painting. emily was laughing so hard she fell on the floor.
i feel betrayed.
me and nick "made up" whatever that means.
i feel like my life has fissured and there is one half i cant stand anymore and i want to get rid of and the other half is full of new and wonderful things (or old and wonderful things) and i am like balancing between them. but not only do i want to jump to the good one, but i want to push the bad one as far away as i can.
off the coast and im headed nowhere.
i feel saved. not like with jesus... but like i was drowning and a hand was thrust into the turbulent sea and i grabbed on and idk. even if all the hand does is save me from drowning... isnt that enough?
i guess i am in metaphore mode.
i am good at making something out of nothing.
this helps my art career but not my personal life.
7th November 2007
since i updated like 3 seconds ago- 2 depressing things
1) i was reading lost spoilers. one of them said that with the writers strike they wont air the 8 episodes they have done for this season and they will combine season 4&5 and air them in 2009. :
I CANT EVEN LOOK FORWARD TO LOST!
2) i was smoking a cig outside and some guy stops in the sidewalk and exclaims:
"if everyone died in 5 years, would you really care? i mean really?"
its like this short i saw at the LGBT film festival about this little gay boy who was "the saddest boy in the world" and all this shit happened to him and he told his mom "i am the saddest boy in the world" his mom has him go to the shrink and he said "they said the pills might have side effects, but they didn't tell me all the animals would talk to me" and then all the animals, real and stuffed kept telling him "kill yourself, kill yourself"
thats how i feel right now.
dont worry. i am not suicidal. just sad.
Taking some time to be self-interested
I havent updated in awhile bc nothing happens to me. :
i try to make things happen and sometimes that works sometime it doesnt. i am just so stressed and bored like all the time. i have all these things i need to do before i graduate then i have all these things i need to do immediately after i graduate... then i am back to bored with or without stress.
i am not looking forward to graduating.
people keep telling me "well you have graduation to look forward to"
no because graduation means nothing to me. it means i cant get away without working, it means i need to face my debt head on, and i wont have critique for my art (not that i have had good crit in awhile anyway)
so. i get to apply for some shit jobs i could have gotten when i was 19, get way underpaid and i will still be living with my dad. i have no romantical interests. actually i have been in a rut of romanitcal dis-interest.
i mean, my horoscope says things will get better soon. but i feel like katie perton is in retrograde. i am stagnant and the things i do and the things that actually happen really arent even good. i just feel like i am being rebuilt or something.
i guess i really cant complain. i have all my limbs and body parts. no one i know has died in awhile. idk. i am just out of people that make me feel good. i dont mean that to depreciate my friends. they are great. its just that they all have other people that make them feel more special than i make them feel and they put alot of energy into making those people feel special in return. thats totally valid and great and i am so happy for them. but its a big step in independence that i dont want to take. i dont want to be more responsible or mature. if i had a goal or a destination it would be easier to start the journey. i am a totally capeable human being. i have always been forced to be independent. every step of the way pushed me more and more. and i feel like im being pushed again and i just dont want to go along with it.
i was watching something... it might have been like a makeover show, or martha stewart or some movie. but they said "the best way to deal with change is to change along with it" like... to make positive changes to myself. but thats all i have been doing. loosing weight, paying off debt, graduating college... hopefully quitting smoking and cutting down on the MJ.
idk if this post has any point. but maybe thats the point. that i feel like i serve no purpose. i hate being a slave to the man.
i would like to work on a pirate ship. or move out to the old west. or discover a new ocean or continent. its all been done. there is no place for the adventurer any more. they just end up over sexed and like... on survivor.
there is no place for me.
and i dont want to listen to anyone anymore. everyone is compleatly self interested so no one gives unbias advice. sigh.
god this is so depressing.
the clincher is that i am content. but no way am i great.
well whatever. i should get back to my current shit job. lol
i am really not "depressed" i am hormonal.
21st October 2007
So. I am on my way home from Nicks. I am at the stoplight to get onto Barker from the freeway... and this guy like swirves around my car and goes next to it. anyway, he like kept gesturing at the light and i laughed bc it was funny and so he notices me and tells me to roll down my window and so i do and hes like "can i have a puff of your cigarette?" im like "no its my last one" and he was like "oh no!" and then the light changes. so we go on to the next one, the intersection with bluemound. so he pulls up next to me again and is like "please give me a puff" and is just flirting and stuff. and i was flattered so i played along. mind you i couldnt really see him.................................. so then the light changes and he is behind me and then :
HE FOLLOWED ME TO MY HOUSE.
i mean, at that point i was like 60% weirded out and 40% curious and since he put himself out there i humored him... like an idiot. so i walk up to his car in front of my house and he introduced himself and i started to get a good look at him. not so good looking. not at all. sort of icky actually. and while i am sizing him up, he is like "you are so beautiful...you are so sexy. look at you. and when u got out of the car it was like wow"
now. that was his mistake.
i am wise to sweet talkers. im not a model.
so then... within his praise he said something like "what you dont get that alot?" and i was like "well..." i mean what an awkward question. and so i decided no.
i was looking for an out.
"so how old are you" seriously i thought between 19 and 35. like no idea.
actually about 20 years sick.
so then he like wants me to get in the car? hell no. i was like no. i dont do that. then hes like "ooo ur a strong woman" im like
GET ME OUT OF HERE.
then he got out of the car and he was like not even as tall as me. he grabbed my hand i said NO and then he was like "well maybe at another stop light..." and rambled about destiny and how this doesnt happen everyday.
i mean. no that happens never. but i wanted it to be with like... jake gylenhall. UGH
why am i cursed meeting ugly/stupid/semi-charming guys while in transport?
and it DOESNT give me an out when they can follow me home.
so he left and i RAN litterally up the driveway and shamelessly scoured my hands clean the moment i walked in the door.
anyway. i need to get a flashlight in my car so i can check out old men who are checking me out.
men really ick me out.
like the desperation, the shamelessness... and the most disgusting part is that look when a dirty old guy looks at you through your clothes and says "i like what i see" EWW
ok. lol good night.
5th October 2007
ART HAS SWALLOWED ME WHOLE
so. art has taken my life over, and its out of my control. :
anyway... so i got ahold of the warehouse lofts people and i got a space for gallery night. but today i walk into hotcakes for my internship and mike is like "have you talked to tara today?" and i was like ... "no." and he said that an architectural firm downtown asked him to curate a gallery night show............. and he asked me to be in it. BUT here is the issue: what if this show sucks and i would have been better off at the lofts? and i cant be like "o... is it better than the lofts i already agreed to show at?" SIGH
actually it does sound like a step up so... i will probably do it.
IT IS IN 2 WEEKS THO AND NOW My stuff really needs to look good next to other stuff...
otherwise i have critique on monday and i saw the art museum opening last night and tonight i go to green gallery after my intership at hotcakes. SEE??? i have no life of my own.
i am happy.
29th September 2007
I feel guilty for multiple reasons. :
1) I just ran over a racoon. i think i just got his tail. this makes me feel worse than if i maybe killed him because i probably did kill him, he will just have to live the life he has in pain, agony, and in the deepest forms of hardship. sorry raccoon. sorry god.
2) I just yelled at james. like bad. but that is the end of a worse story.
3) as far as that story goes, i feel bad that i have been lacking at my house skills. i feel guilty about that. i should just do all the shit my dad wants me to do for the house, which as of now is just getting my shit out of the way. there are many reasons (or excuses) why that hasnt happened in the last 4 months
a)i dont even want to live here. not wanting to live here makes me not want to move in.
b)in order for the stuff in the garage to fit into my room i need to get my room into order. that means i need to unpack the boxes already in my room. that means i need to form an organizational system so it will all have a place and fit. that means alot more work than simply moving a box and a stereo up a gentle flight of stairs.
c)my dad never asks me to do things nicely. o sure he will say "hey could you move that stuff soon?" but it is ALWAYS followed by a guilt trip. like "i paid for this" or "i supplied you with that" or "you never do anything" which THEN ALWAYS turns into "why are you in so much debt." "you never do anything (yes again)" and other similar broad but hurtful stuff. no where in there did we touch on WHY the stuff is still in the garage, or maybe that i DO actually DO stuff. and i DO have a job, and a double major, and an internship, and i DO want to see my friends(because i have more fun with them than my dad, and they support me)THEN he always makes SOME comment on how i am SUCH a heavy drinker and that i go to bars all the time. i dont. today i said "do you even know me?"
d) if it wasnt boxes in the garage it would be something else. yes. my reason for NOT moving them is that AT LEAST I KNOW WHAT I WILL GET YELLED AT FOR.
anyway. as soon as i walked in the door today i got a lecture about the boxes. it turned into a fight about money, and about how i dinged up the van so badly (i still dont believe i dinged it up at all) and how i havent done anything for the house since never.
AND to loop this back to point #2, james did nothing the whole time but chime in durring the top 10 katie fuck ups of the minute. so i wasnt just mad at dad, i was mad at james for sitting there egging him on and i was 5% mad at aunt lisa bc when i stormed upstairs i look in her room and she is right there. like. UGH
so my dad follows me upstairs and i am in my studio. he barges right in and keeps yelling and gets all in my face. so i looked at him and said "do you have anything NEW to yell at me about?" and he stopped. and he left.
three long minutes go by and i hear him clomping down the hallway. the door bursts open again and he is so mad. as he speak spit flies out of his mouth. he says "FROM NOW ON, STARTING OCTOBER FIRST IT WILL COST YOU 200$ a MONTH TO LIVE HERE." then as fast as he came, he was gone.
so i painted for a little after that not taking him too seriously, but then i started thinking: what if he was serious?
well i am fucked then.
i could find something for less or equal to 200 a month. esp considering i would have privacy and ownership..................... 2 things i miss dearly. and SEX i could have SEX again. and do drugs and smoke cigarettes in bed and walk around naked and leroy wouldnt be stuck in a 10 by 10 foot room.
but the problem is i dont have 10$ to pay rent a month let alone 200. thats the reason i am here. i dont know how he thinks i am not feeling punished already. and instead of new windows, a new kitchen, a boat and new up north property all in one year, he decided that this is where he cuts the cord? this is the expense he cant afford?
whatever. fuck him.
when i moved out of home to the dorms mom told me "you will always have a place in this house if you ever need to move home"
so fuck you dad, not only for being a dick to me, but for the millionth time, you go against things mom didnt just suggest or flow with but things she made sure to mention. standards she lived by and not only that but the house and the family i grew up with. and sorry if this sounds like a bunch of bullshit, but this is how i feel.
i am mad.
anyway the ending of this story that resulting in james getting reamed out was, i went to coffee with alex then to scotts then i came home. on my way out i put laundry in, when i came back i was IN THE GARAGE COLLECTING SOME CRAP TO BRING UPSTAIRS james pokes his head in and says "oo... um katie, i think i shrunk your sweater." this is after i asked him never to touch my laundry after he SHRUNK THE SAME SWEATER IN THE DRYER. and goes on to insult me by saying he thought they were dads clothes.
FUCK YOU BITCH.
ugh. i blew up. i was like "JAMES. are you serious?"
"well i mean..."
"no... after you DEFENDED DADS ARGUMENT AGAINST ME and NOW I HAVE TO PAY RENT TO LIVE HERE you insult me further by showing your not-giving-a-damn-about-me-at-all by shrinking my sweater. you sit there like "katie drinks all the time" and "katie is taking one extra semester,isnt she a fuck up" and you know what james? i didnt fail out of highschool. do you ever want me to defend your actions? do you really think you are choosing the stronger side with dad? DONT YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE A SPOILED BRAT WHO DEPENDS ON HIM FAR MORE THAT I DO? o yea, and you owe me 7$, o... wait. you dont have a job, you CANT EVEN AFFORD A JIMMY JOHNS SANDWICH."
i was so mad. i even said "you know this isnt about the sweater..." and idk. i shouldnt have been so harsh. i have totally had it though. like it makes me sick and angry.
ugh i have to get up early tomorrow.
and i slowly killed a big slow rodent.
7th September 2007
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